I am grateful to be me


Yes. Exactly as you read it.

I have seen in my brief existence a lot of people. I am grateful to be me.

I am grateful that I can let go. I’ve let go of everything that went too far away from me. This makes me light. I don’t have no special skill, I simply have a light grasp from birth. Practically and metaphorically.

I am grateful I feel joy and enthusiasm with voracious abandonment. No inner numbness ever plagued me. I am naturally drawn to the unfamiliar, while fear settles in later in the adventure.

I am grateful I feel pleasure and pain, and I am also grateful I enjoy certain combinations of them. No outer numbness ever covered me. I have no idea what it is like to want to refuse an invitation.

I am grateful my mind is alert, and it answers back when I ask things. I have a great companion in myself and that lowers my need of approval to bare minimmum. I did nothing for this to exist, it was there as a response to being unpopular as a kid.

I am grateful I care and am polite by default. I don’t do suspicion unless you intentionally hurt me and I know it. This frees my mind a lot. But I invest no effort in this, I just work that way since forever.

I am grateful I learn easily. I don’t even learn, it is an unexplainable state, for which I am grateful. I am merely immersed in something until I eventually feel like I know. Because of this I am a notorious underachiever, but I feel constantly safe, safe enough to risk and feel alive.

I am grateful I can relax. I just can. I see the blue sky or smell the air and suddenly nothing is immediate, important or catastrophic.

I am grateful I constantly doubt myself, it keeps me alert, but I couldn’t have done it without my native self love. Genetic? Maybe. Narcissistic? You bet. But doubt constantly keeps me tight.

I am grateful my will can grasp my feeble ego and straighten it up, whenever I actually don’t know and make a fool of myself. I suffer little when disillusion hits. I never drown in tears. I cry but magically bounce back up. I don’t do anything for it, I just suddenly feel better.

I am grateful I can always enjoy the brightness of our star and the light of this world. It is engraved deeply within me that this brightness and shine of the world is the one thing that will spark in my dying mind before I go.

I am grateful I can lie to myself about many things, but I always know I am lying. I never learned that, I just did it to face my childhood, and in time got accustomed to it. I think it is impossible to learn doing this as a grown up, and I also think this is the reason most personal development techniques fail.

I am grateful I can silence worries by thinking of things that don’t worry me. It is not a skill, I don’t know how I do it, I think it is a native talent and that it cannot be taught and it is, I believe, the reason most mindfulness techniques are bullshit.

I am grateful for the tenacity of my explaining, even when I’m not really sure of myself. Words come to me and I’ve never searched more than three seconds for self confidence. I find it, although I don’t know where it comes from.

I am grateful for my upper averageness. I have no obvious or special talent, or if I do I am too lazy to perfect them. But with very little effort I often appear to be better than the mean, I glow by default when not fully confronted by higher value. I did not learn nor practice this, it’s been there by default.

I am grateful for being detached. Detached from missing out, detached from future losses, detached from past losses.

I am grateful for the carelessness of my parents, parents who, at the very least, had the common sense of not being against anything — other than my marriage. Luckily by then I was grown enough to know better and their carelessness forced me into myself. But they let me be. I had no braids of emotional pain to untangle. My pain was free flowing and easy to trim.

I am grateful for finding love. I never searched for it, I am grateful for being saved that meandering anxious search.

I am grateful I dream in colour and for all my flying dreams. My dreams are so realistic I sometimes make an effort to not remember them as memories. I fly so easily and so often that I sometimes feel crushed by the weight of the awaken conscious.

I am grateful for being curious and peaceful about it. My curiosity burns like a warm late summer evening, my curiosity keeps me away from existential angst, but it doesn’t leave burns nor does it make me too thirsty for the truth. I have the kind of curiosity which makes me able to be alone. That is just the way it is, it is not a skill nor a talent.

I am grateful for being alone just enough time to take a hold on my quirks, to explore and see them there. I am grateful for the power to be quirky with myself without judging myself for it. I am grateful for every single quirk that gets out of the closet and is accepted by those towards whom I am also grateful. I just happened to have that much alone time, not more, not less.

I am grateful for my hair, which is going away, for my looks which in a very manly way become apparently better, for my height, for my bone structure and overall health. I am grateful towards my pancreas for not giving up once. Overall my body does well against my consistent persecution of it. With this too, I have nothing to be proud about, just grateful.

I am grateful for all my priviledge. I am male assigned, mostly able bodied, mostly caucasian, mostly straight on a Kinsey scale.

I am grateful for falling asleep. I couldn’t go on without it. I have no insomnia, my pillow is always soft. With pain, with sickness, with longing and with sorrow, I’ve always got shut eye and awaken with that feeling given by magic restoration potions.

I am grateful for every single thing that is right about me and that keeps me away from the torment, suffering, doubt, worry, chaos, depression, sadness, waste, angst, aimless wandering I see around, but I have no merit whatsoever and no advice on how I do whatever. I am me and I am grateful for it.

These are all defaults. They were things I had or discovered I had with almost no compromise.

I have no idea how you could become me.

I have no clue what you should do to learn easier, sleep better, be healthier, be happier, and enjoy living as much as I do.

I don’t know, because I am not you. I am me.

I am grateful to be me and I wish you’re grateful to be you.