Dear girls,

you are not as fat as you think you are.

Actually stop thinking about fat. Altogether. Fat this, fat that, fuck fat. There is nothing interesting about it. It is simply another kind of calorie supplier, just like protein and carbs.

Did you ever hear anyone say, “honey you’ve gotten too proteic!”? Hell, I haven’t!

Fun fact, fat, in beauty terms, is very well handled by the human body for sexual signalling: just about everything in the looks department is based on some kind of nice distribution of adipose cells.

Protein’s got nothing on fat when it comes to “the right junk in the right places”. Fat keeps water in and that makes you look smooth and curvy. Even if you’re the skinny bony type, most of your looks are softened by some fat.

Weight is a medical term, not an aesthetic concept.

No one cares about your BMI when checking you out. Literally no one, other than your doctor. Do you have medical reasons to lose weight? Go for it. Otherwise, just relax.

Stop talking about fat and weight. I was at the beach and there was this row of women chattering on and on about fat, diets, all the things they thought were unpleasant about the way their bodies decided to lay out tissues under their skin. They were all in bathing suits and they all looked great. And no, “great” not as in preference, great as in beautiful.

In general, for men women look great. Women are beautiful by deafault. Even for gay men. Just relax. No one really knows what a ten is, or an eight, or a six. Fuck beauty scales. Fuck scales in general.

If a person is unable to grasp that “I don’t like it” means exactly nothing for anyone else, they shouldn’t be given the chance to reproduce. Does your man think you’re fat? Fire his ass because he surely didn’t read the job description.

Men who criticise you for your looks, men who grade you, men who offer unrequested opinion on your looks, are all basic males with deep insecurities about their dicks (ahem, masculinity) who use the size of their hard-ons to measure your prettiness. But their hard-ons are theirs to deal with.

Stop listening or reading advice about losing fat or weight. See professionals that can actually work with you for the underlying cause of any medical weight excess, which usually means sudden or constant increase in what you normally weigh. But stop connecting this to beauty. Or sex appeal.

Fitness is great. Be fit. Whatever. Just stop thinking and worrying and discussing and paying so much attention and time to fat.

In all honesty I have no idea why I’ll publish this. I mean, boys will be boys (ahem assholes) because that’s how you earn tough guy points in all male clubs. I also mean the fashion industry’s obsession with figures made of straight lines made its way a long time ago into our archetypal notions of beautiful. Being “all about that bass” is a bit late in the game.

So what would this be for then?

All we men want a wonder woman, but none of us can handle Wonder Woman. What am I saying, just a tiny fraction of us men can handle even a barbie, and none could handle Barbie.