I have found in my searches and learning that, apparently, the real history of mankind is built on various answers to the question of questions: what do women want? And somehow, almost always, the answer was power. My fellow men, you’ve been misguided and so have I.
First, I am married for 15 years so this is not dating advice. I’d be an idiot to give dating advice, ’cause I am clueless about it in this day and age. I did notice that most dating advice today is about avoiding certain swipes. Also, I have plenty of quarrels and sad days and stupid mistakes in my relationship, so this is not advice on marriage either. What it could be, maybe a pale apology to my wife. What it actually is, a thought that dawned on me at random.
Here is the gist:
women want two things: to be appreciated for the same qualities other women are appreciated for and to have an intelligent man by their side.
Not shocked? Good.
Part 1. Women are not crazy
The reason why the most sought after quality in a good man is a strong sense of humor, is the fact that intelligence is a sucker for novelty. That is what general intelligence is for, to help us handle new things. Humor is not the capacity to tell jokes, although that also counts, but the capacity to be funny, which depends heavily on wit and innovation.
Women selecting men is the biggest pressure factor for general intelligence selection pressure in human evolution.
If you think general intelligence has been selected genetically because we wanted to make fire, roast beef and hunt deer with tools, you miss how there are plenty of other animals who do the thing except roasting the beef. Ambush, use of tools, group hunt, all these things are already out there, they are not some new human development.
What made us sparkling intelligent is the fact that the females of our species are intelligent and they constantly have chosen, or at least tried to, select intelligent men, and this is the evolutionary and civilizing reinforcing cycle we owe to the girls. This is not a novel discovery, the idea that the big brain is for sex is something other people researched already. What I am trying to emphasize is how the so called “mysterious” behavior of women is an expression of a biological evolutionary truth.
The more intelligent a person, the more the inclination for unusual, interesting and rare things and experiences. And if you think about it for a bit, the romantic experience, monogamy, spouse dedication, masculine reliability, simple lounging and relaxing time off, and also the use of plenty verbal communication, are all novel and fresh things for the human species.
All men can select based on body looks. The woman need not say a word, and we men know which female is fit and what to do. But, if you carry your decision in your womb and then have it sucking milk out of you, choosing solely on looks will be a painful shortcut. So women raised the bar higher than men, literally.
I am one of those who think men choose first, and I am one to also try and talk women out of the myth of her selecting power. But that also means that the woman chooses second, from the group of men who chose her first. Because, you see, with our big brains came another pain in the butt, happiness. All men know if they make their woman happy or just fill a role. Yes, you can be an uneducated redneck and you still have this mind reading force of knowing if your woman is not happy, especially if you care about her.
The selective pressure manifests later in the game. Any guy with a working dick will signal the reception of a woman’s good looks, without the slightest of efforts. That is why women are turned on by complex behavior such as romantic ideas, by complex plots of courtship, by innovative ways to show determination, by gestures and presence, by consistence and so forth.
The fact is masculinity means initiative, confidence and determination and to show off these things you need more than abs. Just as femininity is availability, vulnerability and sex appeal and to show off these you need more than … mmm, well men will not search for femininity but only for sexually available females, unless they’re intelligent men. Intelligent men are, as women, suckers for novelty too. So far, if you look closely, an available, vulnerable woman that has sex appeal is labeled difficult, because men are lazy.
In other words, of course that if your only approach is to constantly communicate on her good looks and your lust about her, you will bore the hell out of her. She is hard wired to see your brain in action and when you communicate what is also obvious to every single other man around, you do not stand out at all in the smarts sector.
All the complex so called “rituals” women devised, are simply intelligence tests for the men they meet. Desperation is what makes most women give up, not adaptation. Let’s not forget that about 90% of our history, more then 80% of men did not reproduce, but then suddenly all women were redistributed by force to all the other dudes who needed reasons to stay put and fight wars.
But, then you may ask, if women are so fancy that they care more about intelligence than about the pecs, abs, ass, eyes and hair, why do they put such a price on feeling like “the only girl in the world”, as Rihanna sings?
Because they are human.
Humans don’t give a shit about averages. We look at our neighbor and we measure our status in regard to them, not in regard to the average of our species. We don’t care that in Somalia people starve to death every day. We want a grass greener than our neighbor’s.
In the viral experiment scene where two monkeys are given a cucumber prize for a simple act, suddenly one monkey gets grapes and the other keeps getting cucumber. The cucumber monkey sees that, and becomes so enraged that is aims and hits the human with the cucumber piece in the face. She also wants to mop the floor with the other monkey. See a pattern yet?
That is exactly what men do with their stable partners. We keep giving them the cucumber. Sure, cucumber is fine as long as all the girls around get it. But when you start to move up to grapes for some girls, you’ll make your woman revert to simple instinctive insecurities and also cause a basic dislike for your behavior. In simpler words, the problem is not that you’re attracted to other women, and not even that you are attracted more by other women. Women know this behavior of men without any education. Their problem is that you treat other women better. That is where the rage appears and the basic fury and shit storms originate. As a metaphor, the cucumber monkey did not measure and weigh how much piece of cucumber the other monkey got as long as it was not blatant, as in giving one the whole thing. But when you start acting different fundamentally towards other women, by giving them the metaphorical grapes you’ll be in trouble.
And this cucumber versus grapes thing is so common in men.
Think about the basic rating behavior we men have towards: models, porn stars, powerful men’s trophy wives, powerful men’s girlfriends, famous women, actresses or singers. Sure many of these women do have the artist’s reality distortion field, but few men are in the fandom zone of being mesmerized by talent when watching Stoya doing the things she did in her generic title movies or Milla Kunis washing toilets pretending to be ugly and unwanted in Jupiter Ascending. Ratings, we assign ratings to women. If we continue to rate women after we enter a relationship that we want to last, it will probably not make a happy wife or partner, because at some point she’ll get the cucumber.
This whole thing of searching for what women want for centuries, writing poems about it, singing songs about it, writing novels about it, is in fact based on our simple evolutionary curse and blessing: laziness.
Part 2: men are lazy
And there are more kinds of lazy.
First, the generic lazy is the effect of sexual entitlement. Sexual entitlement in men comes primarily because of mothers of boys. Ten thousand years ago it made sense because they were raising warriors. This is probably not a very feminist opinion but it is nonetheless accepting the truth of how our society got to this.
Mothers of boys, unfortunately, still instill the male privilege into their sons as a means of motivation. It is very likely that a woman that sides with the basic instincts of her son will also be and feel more accepted and loved by her son. Any mother who will try and teach her son about respecting women like another self existing with equal good and bad as he, she will be a mother perceived as not a “best friend” type of mother. But parents should not be their children’s best friends, other children should be their children’s best friends. Aiming to be your son’s best friend is a shortcut in parenting that pulls out of the child a certain type of honesty and obedience, giving you, the mother, easier control on the son.
Then there are the other three types of laziness: physical laziness, intellectual laziness and emotional laziness.
Emotional laziness comes primarily from fathers of boys. This is probably not a very MRA approved opinion, but it is nonetheless accepting the truth of how our society got to this.
Dads are rocks who don’t cry and strive for about twelve years in the life of a young boy to raise a tough cookie who doesn’t bat an eye when a human is cut in half two feet away. Ten thousand years ago it made sense because they raised men with few chances to get a woman, so that promise fell on religion and other parts of society to fulfill. The problem is that fathers don’t teach boys how to handle and face their emotions, they teach ignoring emotions by acting as if they don’t exist. It is important to understand that emotional laziness is not about not accepting emotions, nor is it about acting tough. It is effectively about running away from the acknowledgement of the emotional self. When fathers cry they act as if it is a solemn activity, a ritual, an unusual occurrence that has to be marked.
Lack of confrontation with the emotional self creates the emotional laziness and it is why men keep secrets, why they do not open themselves up in relationships, it is why men and women do not talk about things and instead do all kinds of crazy plans to fend off issues that all life on Earth will pose for everyone.
Men are emotionally lazy and this leads to poor sex. We don’t have the inner attire to spell out our likes, safe words and weirdness. Many women are left in the gutter while we sponsor an entire industry of sexual fantasy fulfillment because of our emotional laziness, and the bare truth which we men don’t acknowledge is that the love and dedication of a woman is far greater than we’d like it to be. We fear the reality of the fact that if our partners would actually be let in our depths they’ll join our wilderness and, behold, hold our hand in the emotional carousel inside our hearts. A woman will go for far more than we men are conditioned and taught to think, just because they love us and are dedicated to the relationship.
Physical laziness happens because all boys are pampered into maturity by society, plus a horde of well meaning women. Starting from chores ending with the idea that a job is the “hard” work, while you lounge at the office as the inefficient employee you are.
Men are physically lazy and, incredibly, this leads to a lazy sexuality. They dream up of all kinds of acrobatics with all kinds of imaginary characters but are made of wood in bed, and not the right kind of wood. This is not bad sex, but bad sexuality, one forged on only taking, never giving, and which forms the bread and butter of the rape culture, the same rape culture we fail to acknowledge while grinding our teeth in indignation, like a kid who has to clean up the room before going out to play.
Intellectual laziness is simply because monogamy and civilization redistributed women. Women will eventually give up, and we know it. I have seen so much desire to be athletic and victorious because that is by default an exemption from the requirement to be smart. I have also seen how deeply rooted our manly entitlement is, because we imagine that competitiveness is more ingrained in our default behaviors than our sexuality.
Intellectual laziness makes poor lovers. Unimaginative men make the bulk of the lover offering in the dating market. Just stop for a moment and think about this: considering all the lust a girl gets for simply putting a good picture on the Internet, how much novelty to you think she finds in your posturing and stallion performances? We men love. We are fierce lovers of our women. We love our women more than we love our children. But damn it if we’re not having the lowest of standards about ourselves.
And the crazy ideas we have. Like if we shall ever become super intelligent enlightened beings we’ll loose our sex urges. Do you know how common this line of thinking is? Do we not see how all spiritual practice and religion keeps prepping people into this lie of dumbing down the masculine sexual confidence and praising the masculine competitive determination?
The laziness of men is what turns woman normal behavior into craziness.
We’re too lazy to ask for what we want, clearly, outspokenly, openly. We’re too lazy to stick to our plans and fulfill our potential. We’re too lazy to accept that the grapes are the thing and start having only grapes to give and forget about the cucumber. Men are lazy in relationships, men are lazy with children, men are lazy in marriage, men are lazy with other men too, friendships held together by fear of invalidation.
Man up should mean something again.
Man up means pick up that bone sack and put some electricity at work between those two ears. Be a man means not violence and stubbornness. A man is in no way whatsoever more endowed by nature to own up to himself than a woman is to own up to herself. To be a man is hardly about bringing the food home or putting the money in the bank or not even about being good with tools, the competitive fear of my kin in the twenty first century of civilization.
Be a man means be industrious! Find your energy, enjoy your manhood and stop whining at the feminists about your unfair persecution. Feminism so far appears to be a great effort towards making men use their brains. Overall feminism gives men their much coveted sexual freedom and asking for a little effort of intellect in return. You should be the more intelligent of the pack to rise up at a level where owning your masculinity will melt the knees of that strong feminist you secretly love so much, but hate like a lion all over the Internets.
Women don’t want powerful men. Powerful men love power more than the woman, and women know it. Women want intelligent men who want them as women first and as friends forever.