Dear friendzoned men,

This is the captain speaking.

Before we return to our complacent self indulgence, it has come to my attention that our status is used more and more to mansplain being an asshole. I would like to take this opportunity to straighten a few things out.

First, this is 90% about men. Yet I am am somewhat sure there are friendzoned lesbians and friendzoned gays. I am absolutely positively sure there are friendzoned women too, so I’ll try to not make it about “all men”, even though statistics on the issue are overwhelming.

The usual explanation for asshole transformation follows along the lines of: sure, I am an asshole because when I was a nice person I got friendzoned and my love was lusting over these bad guys, who were assholes, so I became one to please the crowds.

Let me tell you fact number one: an asshole is an asshole. There is no fact number two. Instead of becoming an asshole, why don’t you do what friendzoned people have done for centuries: praise those you cherish, so much that you carry weeks of blue balls with dignity, write poems for them, sing them praises, do their errands. Show the world the nobility of platonic love.

Also, I have news for you: the longer you are friendzoned, the less you desire the would be partner, but instead you desire the abstract idea in your head they end up representing. The very fact that you resist your lust, because you are a good chap, should signal to you that maybe they are not the right ones.

That time when Richard Feynman got friendzoned

When you have the Nobel prize and are smarter than 98% of the human population, you don’t just get friendzoned, you get professionally friendzoned. One time he was trying to play the nice guy card and kept buying drinks to girls in a bar, expecting to bring home someone.

Yet, nothing happened. However he had a great time with the girls. Great conversations, dancing, lovely company. Nevertheless he went home alone night after night. Seeking a solution to this bedazzling situation, he got the asshole solution as advice from a friend: ask for sex upfront, only then spend the money on drinks.

Having the Nobel prize and being smarter than 98% of the human population, doesn’t help much in love apparently so an asshole he became. And it worked! The man got laid, big time. The bigger the assholeness the more sex he got. He was such an asshole that at one point, according to him, he asked a girl to give him the money he spent on a hot dog for her, out of spite she didn’t invite him home (for a hot dog?).

But, one of either having the Nobel prize or being smarter than 98% of the human population, helped the man realize he was getting action the wrong way. He reverted back to being his normal self, a self who understood it takes far more effort to pursue someone you have the hots for, than simply buying a drink at the bar.

A lot of friendzoned people are assholes even before getting stuck as fake friends. They expect to get laid for being nice! They expect to be romantically loved for being kind! Folks, it ain’t working like that.

Relationships are binary, even if you’re non binary

Masculinity is: initiative, confidence and determination.

I have no idea how to write this without sounding like a sex guru, or dating trainer, or both rolled into one. Anyway, here it goes: I believe there are three traits of masculinity which any female side of a relationship seeks: initiative, confidence and determination. Everything else is one of two: shallow replacements or filler. It is the shallow replacements which create the asshole: pride replacing confidence, bigotry replacing initiative and fixation replacing determination.

Femininity is: availability, vulnerability and sex appeal.

Femininity is: availability, vulnerability … and sex appeal. Sorry. I know, we’d like to do without sex appeal, but remember, it is better than depending on beauty. Sex appeal is peculiar and fun, beauty is standard and boring.

Being friendzoned is not bad. Friendzoned people have this amazing experience of being allowed to see into the intimacy and soul of the people they love, deeper than lovers! However, being friendzoned for years in a row is a waste of your life, for example, people don’t just go into the jungle to observe gorillas for no reason, they do something about it. You should too do something about it, but something aligned to what you feel, not to the asshole justification script.

Most of the assholes are simply assholes and they invent this problem of friendzoning as an excuse.

The same goes for heart broken folks. Oh, look at my broken heart, I’ll use it to love you in the worst possible way, instead of fucking fixing it first and trying to love with it after. Broken hears are great, one should have their heart broken once in a while, in sharpens the experience, but you are required to take the time to fix it back before you mess with other unsuspecting humans.

Another example, people with serial bad relationships are just biased and instead of becoming unbiased they turn their string of shit experiences into a hose of drama. Bad relationships are interesting, daring, adventurous maybe but just not all the fucking time, stop being biased. Example relationship biases: only blond athletic people can have good sex or only rugged jerks are strong, poor people are boring, I feel sorry for fat people, uneducated people are not interesting, I like beta people, I like alpha people. Bias, bias, bias.

Love is not rainbow shitting unicorns. I mean really, those who still believe that should read a good love story, listen to any pop music, go through the pain of a country album, easy paths to enlightenment. Love can trap you. Love can make one shit on their life, a life which is a 1 in 400 000 000 chances of happening. But love is great and it makes life worth the effort. Friendzoning is just one of the ways in which love fucks us up, accept that and fight for your chance, instead of justifying yourself becoming an asshole.

Captain out.